Never wash jeans with whites.

Also, the label isn't kidding when it says, "Tumble dry low".

If you plan to knock on your teammate's door at 2 AM to tell them the topic for next year, you better have pizza.

Chocolate burns in microwaves. It don't smell too good either...

Rolling gummy bears in sun-melted Hershey's bars does not taste good.

Offense: Failure to adhere to topic.

Reason: You did learn that in the context of a scholastic competition.

I learned that caffeine is a baaaaad thing.

Don't order 4 slices of cheesecake unless you plan on eating them.

Caffeine is the essence that fuels the dreams of champions (or was that coffee, I can't remember my Will Ferrell movies well)

Don't pass out with your shoes on.

Especially during class. Otherwise the teacher might glue your feet to the floor with rubber cement, have everyone leave the classroom, and then yell, "FIRE!"

(This is a true story that my Decathlon coach's brother did to one of his students.)

Or they turn off the lights, have everyone leave early, and then set the clock to 9pm. That's always entertaining to do.

If the coffee pot is empty, get another pot brewing, even if you don't drink coffee.

If need to get somewhere you shouldn't be, walk briskly and carry a clipboard. Keep your head down and write continuously. Look slightly annoyed/perturbed.

a small can of red bull and a can of sprite mixes together perfectly in an empty 20 oz coke bottle, making a perfect beverage to drink during the long hours of testing.
red bull makes you good at interviews.
I learned how to study.

this.

I always had a 5 Hour Energy before every competition.

I was energized during the tests, but I probably drove my teammates insane.

Edit: And what I learned from that is... absolutely nothing

Never admit to having a secret alliance with every person but one when you are playing Risk
Actually, never play Risk

False, you need to set aside an entire day, get ten+ people, and multiple boards. Then connect the boards and turn it into a game of Risk:Universe!

My friend and I created this epic game using the Risk board and pieces, along with Monopoly pieces. It was called Domination. It would take us nearly a month to get like a quarter through the game, and then the board always got messed up when we were cleaning our rooms or whatever. But yeah, it was epic.

You can kill someone with many seemingly innocent household objects with no modification, including, but not limited too, a spoon and a straw.
Ground match heads make a decent rocket fuel. Just don't use the strike-anywhere matches. They don't like it when you grind them up.

If you're trying to get to the roof, and you accidentally set off the alarm, just RUN. RUUUUN.

Yogurtland is much cheaper and tastier than any other place. More variety, too.

Don't tell the police anything.

If you have to walk down extremely sketchy, ghetto streets... have someone with you. Seriously. It doesn't matter if either of you is physically imposing -- people who want to mess with you generally do not want the risk of one of you getting away and giving their description to the police. I'm extraordinarily thin and my girlfriend isn't exactly Candace Parker, but having two people together made the thugs generally ignore us when we were walking through a really bad part of Durham while getting to the grocery store. Criminals go for easy prey. Prey that sticks together aint easy. Avoiding conflict by being with a bunch of people actually does work, usually. Also, there was a shootout on the block we walked through a few days later.

So uh I guess the moral there is try to stay away from the wrong place in the wrong time, okay guys.

The other trick is to make everyone else assume YOU are the crazy people they were warned about. Walk with your head high and act you belong there. Don't stare anyone down though. (I go walking through downtown when I can't sleep at night)

Downtown Omaha is sketchy? I find that hard to believe

If you come to nationals next year I'm dropping you off in North O with a confederate flag stapled to your back, and then I'll set up a betting pool on how long you live.

B-b-b-b-b-b-but can we do it to someone from South Carolina? I find that much more appropriate...I only seceded because Louisiana bullied me into it.

Well, if Omaha is as safe as you think it is, you have nothing to worry about right?


(and for the record, no Omaha is not a bad city, but like everywhere else, there are some places you don't want to be at certain times.)

I'm just scared of the 5-0. I ain't afraid of nuttttin'

I come to the party in my b-boy stance

what....the....hell......?

Back on topic...

AHEM...

The best places to buy music are the ones where the music isn't full price. Digging around in used book stores and pawn shops can be FASCINATING.

just because you're as loud as a black man, doesn't mean you are one.

WOW. DA DA DA. That was pretty hilarious.

Also, win on the Arrested Development, zzzptm. That was great stuff.

And I have to admit, I lol'd.

Everyone needs to work on their Radio Voice. Never know when you'll have to make an announcement, so BE PREPARED.

mine is so good. i'm all like, "comin up next, on ninety seven one, the breeze:"

and then i say whatever's comin up next.

Except no one would listen to a station called The Breeze.

Well no one I know anywho.

my dad listens to THE BREEZE 99.5!

Actually, this is good, but it's not comprehensive enough. Work on two other things: your dramatic reading voice, and your ability to maintain a straight face while doing something ridiculous. Think: Monty Python.

this is where i fail

WORK ON IT!

I'll send you a sombrero so you can be serious if that's what you need.

no i already got a sombrero

Then be serious in it.

If Zapata could do it, then you can too.

When you can do it normally, go into Nightmare Mode: Say everything as if you were Babawa Wawa.

This is where I get the ladies.

Total deadpan is a VITAL skill. Acquire it.

Emphasized for truth. It makes you infinitely more amusing/useful, almost always!

I guess this is simpler than listing multiple ways to acquire said skill...

You get it by PRACTICE and PRACTICE ALONE.

1. Look in the mirror.
2. Say really weird stuff, like about how aliens kidnapped your pet iguana on the night of July 4 as you were distracted by roman candles and kosher hot dogs (saying "hotdogs" as one word).
3. If you laugh, go back to 1. Otherwise, keep saying weird stuff.
4. Then start making really intense facial expressions to mimic an emotion you do not currently feel.
5. If you laugh, go back to 1. Otherwise, keep it up!
6. Once you can talk about how aliens kidnapped your pet iguana on the night of July 4 as you were distracted by roman candles and kosher hot dogs (saying "hotdogs" as one word) without laughing to the mirror, try it on your friends!

To perfect this, STUDY the art and craft of CHRISTOPHER WALKEN and MICHAEL CAINE. Watch MONTY PYTHON and mimic their every move, unless that would get you in trouble and/or arrested. BELIEVE in yourself to the point of delusionality.